Top 10 Essential Things You Learn at Birthing Class:
10. Some people put off taking a two week birthing class until they are one week away from delivering.
9b. Babies get cold if you strip them of their clothing, get them wet, and then don't dry them off or cover them.
9a. You should keep your child in a carseat until he can drive himself to school.
8. It would be too simple to just read the manual they give you that has all the information the instruction gives (almost verbatim); Instead, you have to miss Lost two weeks in a row and listen to someone tell you what you should already know.
7. Apparently, some pregnant women don't wash their clothes, so when they walk by you to get to their seat you get a nice back-draft of butt smell and your wife won't let you use the birthing book to fan the stench away from your nose because it would be rude, even though passing out would be even more rude.
6. If your wife doens't feel like bathing; getting dressed; doing her hair or makeup; feeding, changing or holding the baby; or wants to just shake the baby until he stops crying . . . then she might be experiencing postpartum depression. (who knew?)
5. For some reason stupid people are not only allowed to procreate, but ask questions that just require the instructor to repeat the exact sentence she just said. Example: The peice of paper you get in the mail that says in big, bold, blue letters "THIS IS NOT A BILL," really isn't a bill.
4. No amount of Diet Pepsi can take the edge off (but this has only been tested up to 88oz).
3. No matter how many deliveries the video shows, they all end the same: a woman going through extreme pain until something too big comes out of something too small, normally accompanied by some sort of disgusting, gushing fluid.
2. You confirm your theory that 95% of the population are complete idiots that you should never associate with . . . ever.
1. Being a woman just plain sucks.
Now all of you who are planning on having a kid don't have to spend the $45 on the class. Instead, just send $30 to me.
Friday, March 21, 2008
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7 comments:
thanks bry... i'll just make the check out to "danger"- put it in his college fund.
I'll get you our address.
That list made my day. I envy you for taking the 2 week class as we spread the agony over 4 weeks and it, uh, sucked. Some of your comments, like stupid people, could be applied to our meeting today. I am not sure if you were there but people asked the most ridiculous questions. Some days I think how impressed I am with our classmates. Today was not one of those days.
I concur with Kyle about the meeting . . . Not only were they stupid questions, some of them were just rude. And as for the class . . . I'm not married but if I ever do get married and if I ever do have a child I'll skip the class and send you the $30 check (have I locked in at that rate now or is it subject to go up?)
Next time I'm tempted to punish myself with that class, I'll remember and email for you address! Why didn't I think of that before we had Madilynn??? Oh, and I agree with the 90% stupid people theory...sometimes I wonder if life would be happier if the US practiced segregation again...those who do/act like they do drugs from those who don't!
Oh, and when I make comments like that Mike says I'll just have to wait until the Celestial kingdom to be away from the crack smokers!
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