Let's be honest . . .

It is OCI time at the law school---that stands for "on-campus interview" for all you non-law school readers. This means that between attending class, preparing for class, writing papers, going to work, and doing all the other things a person has to do in a day to not be a societal outcast (like showering and brushing your teeth), one also has to find time to interview with law firms. Don't get me wrong: I'm glad that I have this annoyance. But it is still a pain to have to set time aside for interviews.

The thing about interviews is that it sometimes seems like the interviewer is just there because he has to. I mean, let's be honest, you are going to get the job based on your resume; the interview is to just make sure you aren't some social reject with zero interpersonal skills.

So I was thinking: Why doesn't everyone just be honest in an interview. That would make the whole process so much better and a lot more fun. I think the interviews would go more like this:

Interviewer: Hi, I'm Tom (names have been changed to protect the innocent). I'm ambivalent about meeting you.

Me: I'm sure the pleasure is all mine since you have all the bargaining power. I'm terrified right now.

Interviewer: Please take a seat.

Me: I'd rather stand. That way, when you start mocking my grades and qualifications I can leave the room before I burst into tears.

Interviewer: So, even though what you say won't change my opinion of you, tell me about yourself.

Me: Well, I am from . . . (interviewer cuts me off and goes to the next question).

Interviewer: So why do you want to come work at the Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe?

Me: Oh, I think there has been a misunderstanding. I don't really want to come "work" for you: I just want to show up as I please, leave when I want, and collect a large paycheck every two weeks. Actually, it would be best if you had direct deposit; that way, I don't have to cut my long lunch short to go to the bank. Plus, you are really the only law firm with standards low enough to offer me an interview. So I don't think it is correct to say I chose your firm above others.

Interviewer: Did you hear that?

Me: Hear what?

Interviewer: A knock on the door?

Me: No . . .

Interviewer: Oh, I could have sworn I heard a knock.

Me: Well, that is highly unlikely. Especially since I have only been in hear for three minutes. I think we still have another 17 to go.

Knock! Knock!

Me: That was you knocking on the underside of the table!

Interviewer: Well, this is awkward.

Me: I have a question for you: What is the firm culture like?

Interviewer: Uhm, we are pretty relaxed. Most of the time we are either sleeping or playing darts in our offices while we charge a client several hundred dollars an hour for doing nothing.

Me: That is right up my alley.

Interviewer: "Alley." That reminds me: your office for the first three years will be in the back alley. You share it with a transient.

Me: That's not too far off from my current carrel situation.

Interviewer: One more question: What qualifies you for the job more than the other applicants?

Me: Probably the fact that the other applicants are brown-nosing dueschbags. I on the other hand am just a brown-noser. Which is an indespensible characteristic of any lower level employee in a corporate hierarchy. Plus, I washed and vacuumed your car while I was waiting.

Interviewer: Well, I appreciate you filling the time slot so I didnt't have to spend this time doing something more productive. We will get back to you in a couple days with our decision. Just a heads-up, it is going to come in the form of a letter in the mail and you probably won't get it for a couple weeks. Oh, don't bother opening it; the answer is a "No."

Me: OK. That's pretty much what I thought. Have a good day; I hope you get hit by a bus.


Now you can all forego law school because you have already had the experience.

Bryan out.